Father Of Four Breaks Usain Bolt’s Speed Record Trying To Get A Glimpse Of Motorcycle Passing By

Early this morning, a middle-aged man was clocked speed waddling at 29 mph, surpassing Usain Bolt as the fastest human ever recorded – all thanks to a passing motorcycle.

“I was browsing my old high-school yearbooks when I heard a distant sportbike shift from 2nd to 3rd gear,” said Gary Gatlin, 46-year-old, mid-life crisis haver. “It sounded like the sportbike I used to have before my wife made me trade it in for patio furniture, so I knew I didn’t have much time.”

That’s when Gary would spring  into action, getting up from his favorite chair without even groaning his traditional, “uuurgh heeerre we go.” Gary made it to the door just as the bike went by, allowing him to get a good earful of the bike’s exhaust note. 

“People don’t understand the sacrifices that need to be made to achieve a record like this,” Gary said. “For a moment you have to completely abandon whatever you’re doing in your home, workplace, or social life, and dedicate all that you have to get to the nearest window or street corner before it’s too late.”

Gary’s record was short-lived, however, as just two houses down Gary’s neighbor, Karen Felix, was clocked at 30 mph strutting to the end of her driveway to frantically wave her arm in a ‘slow down’ motion – saving herself, the neighborhood, and the world from the evil motorcyclist going 1.5 mph over the speed limit.